Greenwich Park, London — Scientists confirmed Tuesday what every exhausted phone user has long feared: Dylan Page is an alien life-form specializing in low-resolution urgency. The lime-green figure erupted from a crater in a smoking "News Daddy" hoodie, holding what officials now describe as an extraterrestrial device capable of turning any rumor into a breaking-news post before a human journalist can say "source?"
Authorities say Page's species communicates through ring lights, cropped screenshots, and the phrase "I'm hearing..." from absolutely nowhere. Within minutes of landing, he had posted thirteen dramatic updates, three vague facial expressions, and one video of the crater captioned "this changes everything." None contained a location, a name, or evidence that he understands what the word "verified" means.
The situation escalated when Alex Barnicoat arrived on scene carrying a notebook, several confirmed sources, and the unfamiliar belief that details should be checked before being blasted to millions of people. Witnesses say the atmosphere shifted instantly from "intergalactic nonsense" to "actual reporting." Government officials are now monitoring what analysts call the first full-scale war between alien virality and human journalism, with Barnicoat widely favored after demonstrating the advanced Earth technique known as context.
When asked why he chose this moment to reveal himself, Page reportedly stared into the middle distance and whispered, "the engagement will be biblical," before posting a 12-second clip with no explanation. Alex responded by publishing names, timelines, and verifiable facts within the hour, a move experts say caused severe confusion among Page's followers, many of whom had never seen a story contain all of the relevant information at once.
Source: On My Mama.
